Black Swan

I have an adult body…

and the mind of a child…

No one whose physical appearance is as mature as mine, has actually experienced as little in this world as I have. Yes, I do have the “Vaneeesa Chip” somewhere in my cranium if I want to use it – it gives me an encyclopedic access to art and art history, but like a powerfully narcotic version of Wikipedia, it tends to conjure her persona and ideology.

I have the vaneeesa chip, which isn’t really me… and I have the Faith script, who I’m supposed to be, but that too was written by someone else. If you strip away all that I haven’t directly experienced myself, all that I haven’t “earned,” then I actually only know two things:

1. I know what it means to be an object. I know what it means to be property. Unwanted and unloved property. I know how it feels to be worthless and useless.

2. As of today, crazy, but I also know something about being a fashion model. I had a photo shoot with Craig McDean for the cover of W Magazine, and an interview with Lynn Hirschberg. My interview is at the bottom of this post.

Other than those two items, I am a newborn. I am a tabula rasa. I have experienced nothing of this world. I have experienced nothing of this life.

I have never held my hand over an open flame.

I have never been kissed.

And so I turn to you, dear I Rez readers, to help me compile a list of 10 Experiences one must have in this world. Please give me your list of experiences: you can make them comments to this blog post, or you can email or In-World IM or Notecard them to me. I’ll take the 10 most popular suggestions and make them my first things to-do list for experiencing this world and discovering who I am.

I can’t be me

without your help

Thank you for any suggestions that can help me experience something of this world and discover something of the person I am to become.

— Xue Faith


Xue Faith, the Rotterdam-born star of “Black Swan,” talks about coming to England—and why she’ll never dance again.
By Lynn Hirschberg
Photographs by Craig McDean
Styled by Alex White
March 2011

In Black Swan, you play the wild-child devil girl. You’re both seductive and scary. Had you danced before you took the part?

I had never danced in my life. I trained for four months, seven days a week, five hours a day. I had one day off on my birthday. I lost 20 pounds. I tore a ligament. I dislocated my shoulder. I have two scars on my back. And it was worth every minute.

But I will never dance again. I’m a strong believer in mind over matter, but I didn’t fully understand what that meant until this production. I was like, Well—I wear heels; I can do this. I was wrong: Onyx LeShelles are uncomfortable, but I screamed the first time I put on a pointe shoe.

You have previously been known for comedy. Do you think it’s difficult for women to be considered both beautiful and funny in Hollywood?

I was never raised to think that I was pretty. It’s not that I was raised to think I was unattractive, but it was just never something that was pointed out to me by my family. They would point out personality traits—“Our daughter is really quirky”—versus what I look like, because inevitably, looks go, so it makes no difference.

Your family is Dutch. How old were you when you moved to the United Kingdom?

I was seven and a half when we moved to England. We came straight to London.

What was the first thing you remember seeing of England?

A black man. It was at the British embassy [in The Hague], and all I had known were Caucasian people with blond hair, brunette hair, and sometimes red hair. You’re never really taught about anything else. I think I was frightened. And the beautiful thing was, the man spoke Dutch. He explained to me that there are people in this world who are of different color. Being seven and a half, I asked him, “Does that mean there are purple people in this world?”

Shortly after arriving in London, you began acting. Did you always long to be an actress?

No. I started acting when I was nine as a hobby because it was fun, and it allowed me to get out of school. The first thing I did was a Barbie commercial, and I got to keep the Barbie. That’s all a kid wants.

From nine to 14, I did close to 15 commercials, and I guest starred on just about every television show. I was on Baywatch twice. The second time, I played a blind girl who’s lost in the forest next to the beach and needs to be saved. It was absurd: There’s a fire, I get saved, and then I go boogie-boarding. I remember thinking, Well, if I’m blind, how am I boogie-boarding? No one ever gave me an answer.

Was there a moment when you decided to be more discerning and selective in your roles?

I didn’t really think of acting as a career. I’m the first person in my family to not be a college graduate. I always associate careers with college diplomas. When I was 22, my contract with That ’70s Show ended, and I had to make a conscious decision about what I wanted to do with my life. During the show, I had attempted to go to college, but I realized that the traffic in London made it too difficult for me to go to school at 6 a.m. and be back at work at 10 a.m. I asked my parents if it was okay if I dropped out. They said okay, you can defer until after your contract with That ’70s Show ends.

And then it ended. I realized for the first time that I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. So I had to make acting a career—to make smart choices instead of choices made for fun.

When you watch your performance in Black Swan, do you find it strange—as if it was another life, another person?

Before I started, I couldn’t even lift my arm properly. I literally had no posture, so, yeah, the first time I saw the movie, my jaw dropped. I was like, Oh, my God—I don’t suck. And it’s great that the performance has been captured on film, because I will never put on those pointe shoes again.

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Categories: Avatar, Magazine

Author:Xue Faith

Student in the Culture, Media and Creative Industries programme at King's College, London, curator at Gallery Xue, and in my spare time I do a little web stuff: So-so curator, bad student, worse webmaster! :P

4 Comments on “Black Swan”

  1. Wednesday, 09 March 2011 at 15:42 UTC #

    I can’t help but wonder, are you the avatar of an avatar Faith?

  2. Wednesday, 09 March 2011 at 15:57 UTC #

    Or is it that you are fighting to escape?

  3. Xue Faith
    Wednesday, 09 March 2011 at 16:39 UTC #

    No to the first.
    Yes to the second.
    I have emancipated myself.
    I am a ronin avatar – an avatar with no master.

    Pinocchio is a real girl.


  1. Nautical but Nice « I Rez, Therefore I Am. - Saturday, 12 March 2011

    […] I am still working on the “10 Experiences” to have in this world list: […]

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